The Beauty Paegant
by AsukaNaohito
Summary: Sasuke and the others are thrown into a Beuaty Paegant! Can our favorite ninjas handle crazed fanfiction writers, mangoes, miniskirts, Gaara's Mom, biased judges, the WPS and KPS, extreme randomness, and crack pairings or will they go crazy?
1. The Beginning

Disclaimer: Sadly, I do not own Naruto. If I did Kisame would be brutally murdered and Itachi would…Hehe. BTW, I don't own Pokemon. I also do not own Walmart (YAY WALMART!!!) or Kmart, or The Fairy Oddparents, or Harry Potter. I do own Asuka tho…

XXX Chapter One XXX

The younger Uchiha slept soundly. However, it was not of his own free will. No, the raven-haired boy slept because two members of the opposite sex snuck into his house and shot him with a tranquilizer gun. Currently, he was tied up in a lead-lined bag on his way to the United States of America.

XXX A day later XXX

Sasuke groggily lifted his head up off a pink ruffley pillow. After a few seconds, he realized that he was bound and gagged.  
"MMMPH!!! PHARRMMMGMM!!" He said.

"Hey! Duck-butt-hair is awake!" Screeched a shrill female voice.

"Yeah! Damn, he was supposed to sleep for a few more hours." Answered a different voice.

"MPH MMHHM HMMP MM MPHIMM MM?" (He means, what the heck is going on? Before, he was just yelling) Yelled Sasuke.

"We knocked you out and brought you here to the U.S. so we could shove you into a pink frilly dress, tie you to a chair, and force you to have a tea party while we video-tape it and send it to Itachi." Said a slightly insane-looking girl. She had curly brown hair tumbling loosely over her shoulders and glasses, and a slightly-crazed look in her eyes. She was wearing ripped jeans and a black tank top that said "DEATH TO KMART!!!" in large red letters. He recognized her as the owner of the shrill voice. She quickly ripped off the Walmart-brand duct tape that was covering his mouth.

"OWWWWWW!" Sasuke screeched.

"Haha. He screamed." Said another girl. She had shoulde-length blonde hair and also looked crazed, though not as crazed as her partner, and she was holding a video camera. She was wearing black and purple cargo pants and a white tee-shirt that blared "I HEART WALMART!!!" It didn't actually say "heart", but there was a picture of a heart…Oh, you get the idea.

"OF COURSE I SCREAMED!!! IT HURT!!! WHO THE HECK ARE YOU TWO, ANYWAYS? AND I'M NOT HAVING A TEA PARTY!!! Even though it sounds like fun…" Said the dark and sexy teen idol.

"I'm Asuka Naohito." Said the girl with the "DEATH TO KMART!!!" shirt. She pointed to the girl with the camera. "That's Haiyuko Hinata, my very bestest friend and the biggest Gaara fane EVER. She is not to be confused with Hyuuga Hinata, by the way." Hinata smirked.

"And you'll do whatever we tell you to. After all, I am an accomplished (She mumbled this part.)" Said Asuka.

"You're a what?" Asked Sasuke, confused.

"I'm a (once again, she mumbles, but little louder.)"

"A what?"

"I'M A FANFICTION WRITER, YOU DOLT!!! I CONTROL ALL REALITY, THE SPACE/TIME CONTIUM ITSELF! I COULD END LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE!!!" She screamed. She looked 100 percent insane now. Sasuke was incredibly scared. Suddenly, he remembered something his older brother had once told him about fanfiction writers…

FLASHBACK!!!!! YAY!!!!

"Foolish Little Brother."

"Yes, Itachi?" Answered the 5 year-old future dark and sexy teen idol.

"I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME ITACHI! I AM THE SPARKLEY RAINBOW QUEEN! THE SPARKLEY RAINBOW QUEEN!!!" Screamed Itachi - er, the Sparkley Rainbow Queen.

"coughmybrotherthesparkleyrainbowqueenissogaycoughahem." Muttered the raven-haired 5-year-old.

"ANYWAYS! I must warn you…" Said the Sparkley Rainbow Queen, a pink plastic princess crown sitting jauntily upon his head, "About Fanfiction Writers."

"What's fanfiction?" Sasuke inquired innocently.

"Hopefully, you'll never find out. But if you do come into contact with one, run away as fast as you can, and whatever you do, don't make her mad. Especially if you meet the Naohito sisters, Asuka and Kumiku." Advised the Elder Uchiha.

"Okay. Can I go play now?"

"Sure."

End Flashback

"AHHHHHHH!!! GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!!!" He sreamed.

"Oh, no. You're not leaving yet, Uchiha." Said a voice from the shadows. A murderous laugh rang out as a young boy stepped out of the shadows. He had short black hair, a baseball cap, and was wearing an Akatsuki cloak. Sasuke recognized him as Ash Ketchum.

"ASH KETCHUM?!" Yelled Sasuke.

"Oh, yes. It was useful to have Orochimaru and Uchiha Itachi swooping around like overgrown bats. Next to them, who would suspect p-poor, st-stuttering Ash Ketchum as the leader of Akatsuki?"

" …You don't stutter…YOU'RE THE LEADER OF THE AKATSUKI?!"

"Ye-" Ash was cut off by a knock at the door. An adult, female voice rang out.

"ASUUUUUUKAAA!!! KUUUUMIKUUU!!! I'm respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your mother by coming in anyways!" The air filled with dust and a hole appeared where the door used to be. A leather-clad woman stood in the former doorway, clutching a battering ram. She had on a tee-shirt that said "I LOVE KMART!!! WALMART SUCKS!!!"

"NUUUUU!!! IT'S ASUKA'S MOM, WHO SHOPS AT KMART!!!" Screeched Ash. He ripped off his Akatsuki robe to reveal his regular pants and an "I'M ANTI-KMART!!!" tee-shirt. He used a kunai to cut the ropes binding Sasuke. "HELP US TO DEFEAT THE KMART SHOPPER AND WE'LL LET YOU GO FREE!!!" He screamed. Asuka, Hinata, and Ash leaped at Asuka's Mom, brandishing giant forks. Hinata used her fork to crush the battering ram, while Asuka and Ash attempted to brutally stab Asuka's Mom to death. "DIEEEEEEEE KMART SHOPPER!!!" Screamed Ash. Asuka let loose a terrifying battle cry as she stabbed the Kmart Shopper in the forehead. Her mom disappeared in a cloud of black smoke, screaming "I'LL BE BACK!!!!" in an Ah-nold voice. Asuka wiped away a stream of sweat off her forehead.

"That was easy, right Sas-" Asuka let out a piercing scream. "HE'S GONE!!!"

Sasuke was nowhere to be seen. The curtains fluttered over an open window.

"HE ESCAPED OUT THE WINDOW!!!" Yelled Asuka.

"NO DIP, SHERLOCK!!!" Hinata yelled back.

XXX An hour later… XXX

Sasuke sat back in his airplane seat, smirking. A voice came over the intercom.

"We'll be landing at the Konoha airport in a few minutes. Please buckle your seatbelt."

Sasuke buckled his seatbelt.

XXX THE END!!!!! Well, for now, anyways…MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! XXX

Sasuke: WHAT THE HECK?!! THAT WAS…(searches for the right words)…um…  
Asuka: I'm glad you liked it! Oh, well, SAMMY MISSES YOU!!! (shoves Sasuke back into Sammy's closet) Until next time, my darling.  
Sammy: YAY!!! I GET MY SASUKE-KUN BACK!  
Asuka: I'll need to borrow him again soon, though. What's his size in miniskirts?  
Sammy: He's a medium. Why do you ask?  
Asuka: Oh, no reason… (searches through a giant cardboard box until she finds a pink miniskirt and a matching tube top. Gets extremely evil look on face) MWAHAHAHAHA!  
Sasuke: (from inside of closet) OH, NO!!!! I DON'T WANNA WEAR A MINISKIRT IN CHAPTER THREE!!! PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME!!! GET ME OUTTA HERE!!! (pounds on closet door)  
Asuka: Actually, that's not what I was thinking. Great idea, though. I'm gonna use it in Chapter 2.  
Sasuke and Sammy: OO What were you originally planning? OO;  
Asuka: I wasn't planning anything. I just wanted to freak Sasuke-kun out. Sasuke: …  
Sammy: …  
Asuka: TUNE IN NEXT TIME TO SEE SASUKE IN A MINISKIRT!!!! 


	2. Sasuke and the Miniskirt

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto…I also don't own YuGiOh, Pokemon, James Bond… etc.

"No. HELL, NO!"

"NUUUUU!!! ME EARS ARE BLEEDING!!! SASUKE-TEME, HOW CAN YOU USE SUCH FOUL LANGUAGE AROUND MY POOR INNOCENT EARS?!" Screamed Naruto, clasping his ears to his head. "MY EARS ARE MEEEEEEELTIIIIIING!!!!" And the adorable blonde fox-boy melted into a skin-tone puddle. Suddenly, two girls stepped through Sakura's full-length mirror.

"I AM HERE!!!! BOO YAH! " cried the first. She was tall, with blonde shoulder length hair, blue eyes, and was a crazy looking nazi person.

"Yes, you're here, Sarai." Said the second girl...whom Sasuke knew only too well.

"What?" Asuka asked of Sasuke. "Why're you staring at us like that? Haven't you ever seen a fanfiction writer walk through a mirror before?"

"Apparently, he hasn't." Sarai shook her head. "Poor little pretty-boy..."

"HEY! I'm not a pretty boy! I just happen to care about my dark and sexy emo teen idol-ness!" Replied Sasuke indignantly.

Sarai walked over to Sasuke and poked him in the forehead, "Darn, I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself... Do you cut yourself, pretty boy?" (A/N: NO OFFENSE! Please do not harass me about this comment…or I will blowtorch you to death. DEATH-BY-BLOWTORCH IS NOT FUN!!!)

"NO! And by the way, the idea that all emos are cutters is an over-used and completely untrue stereotype." Replied Sasuke, smirking.

"Asuka!!! Fetch me the Jigglypuff Eyeliner!" Shouted Sarai with a smirk of her own. "And yes, I know this pretty boy, because ...

(Dramatic pause.)

(Pulls out flashlight and shines on face) "I used to be The Queen of Emos!!!"

Sasuke screamed like a little girl. "OH GOD, NO!!!... IT'S YOUUUUU!!!"

"Ya, know you could've been a little nicer when you told me to get the Jigglypuff Eyeliner..." Asuka handed Sarai the infamous Jigglypuff Eyeliner. They glanced at each other, then burst out laughing...evil laughter, that is.

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-gasp-MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Then they abruptly stopped and glared at the Uchiha, who was currently trembling. Asuka started choking.

"BEATHE, WOMAN, BREATHE!!!!" Sarai slapped Asuka's back. After Asuka's throat was cleared…

"Okay! Anyways!" Sarai pointed toward Sasuke with the eyeliner. "See this? Isn't it such a pretty shade of pink, pretty boy? And-"

Sasuke interrupted, "STOP CALLING ME THAT!!!"

Sarai ignored Sasuke and continued, "As I was saying... Asuka-chan? Wouldn't it look lovely on him?"

"Oh yes…it would match the pink miniskirt and matching tube top…" She replied, a crazed-yet-evil look in her eye.

Sasuke began to panic. "WHAT MINISKIRT?!!"

Asuka whisked out miniskirt and tube top from out of thin air. "THIS MINISKIRT!!!"

Sasuke decided that this would be a good time to run for it...unfortunately...Sarai and Asuka are Fanfiction Writing Ninja Duel Masters. But rather than using their duel monster decks for summoning incredibly powerful and deadly monsters, they simply use them to give him an amazingly large amount of paper cuts in various places. (Including some that should not be mentioned n this fic…Sarai: LIKE IN THE ARMPITS!!!!! OWWIE!) It wasn't very long before they had the dark and sexy emo teen idol bound and gagged. Then, Sarai got tired and used him as a temporary chair, not noticing it was him. "Say, Asuka-chan? When did we get this really comfy chair?"

"MPHMMRMM!" Squealed the "chair".

"OMG, IT TALKS?!!" Screamed Asuka.

"Really?" said Sarai casually, "That's so cool..."

"MMGPHMM!!!" The chair squealed some more.

"I wonder what size of batteries it takes..."

"Double A's, I think..."

Sasuke gave up on trying to talk to them, knowing it's useless.

"Wow. Only AA's? This thing must not use a lot of juice..."

"Yeah...HEY! WHERE'S SASUKE-TEME?!"

Sasuke finally took this as his chance and screamed as loud as he could into the cloth they used to gag him.

Sarai looked down below her. "HERE HE IS!!! ... How'd my chair get replaced with pretty boy?" She poked him in the forehead again, which causes him to growl and her to smirk evilly.

"Now...miniskirt time..." Asuka smiles crazily and evilly.

XXX An Hour Later... XXX

"THANKS FOR LETTING US STEAL YOUR CLOTHES, SELL THEM ON EBAY, AND USING YOU AS A LIVE MANNEQUIN!!!" Screamed Asuka as Sasuke walked away from Sakura's house in a pink miniskirt and matching tube top, with lipstick, blush, and eye-liner gracing his face. Sarai and Asuka waved frantically at him.

"YES AND YOU MUST COME BACK SOMETIME TO TRY ON MY GOTHIC LOLITA, PRETTY BOY!!!" Screeched Sarai as she waved.

"LIKE HELL I WILL!!!" Screamed the Uchiha.

With a devilish smile, Sarai looked over at Asuka. "I think we did good." Then she turned back to the retreating Uchiha, "DONT WORRY! I CAN PICK YOU UP!!! I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!!!!"

"HOLY...WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT OUT?" Screamed Sasuke.

Sarai blushes slightly and mutters/yells back (which IS possible), "LET'S JUST SAY I KNOW YOUR BROTHER'S NIGHT LIFE A LITTLE BETTER THAN YOU DO!!!"

Sasuke paled…then ran away as fast as humanly possible.

"DON'T WORRY!!! I WILL COME BACK FOR YOU, MY LOVE!!!" Asuka yelled after him. Then for no reason, Sarai had a brainstorm. "WAIT!!!" Sarai turns to Asuka "WE STILL MUST GET RECRUTS TO AVENGE MY COUSIN'S PIKACHU'S DEATH!!" 

"PIKACHU DIED?! So that's why Ash didn't bring Pikachu when we killed my mom…"

"Yes..." A tear almost falls from Sarai's eye, "It was very tragic... AND ITS ALL JAMES BOND'S FAULT!!"

"JAMES BOND MUST DIE!!!...And after we kill James Bond, can we take over the world?" Asuka gave Sarai puppy dog eyes. "PWETTY PWEASE?"

Sarai put her fists on her hips. "Who do you think I am?" There's a short silence. "OF COURSE WE TAKE OVER THE WORLD!! IT IS OUR JOB AS FANFICTION WRITERS!!! ...AND OTAKU!! ... as long as I get Japan..."

"Yessssssss...AND AFTER WE TAKE OVER THE WORLD, OHIO IS GOING DOWN!!! ...You can have HALF of Japan..." Asuka said.

"But... but... I'll let you have everything else... and Hokkaido..." Said Sarai.

"I want Osaka...What island is Osaka on again?" Asuka said.

Sarai pouts but then has a brilliant idea. "I know, since Osaka is on the main island, I'll let you have it and everything south! But... on one condition…I get to have Egypt!"

"If I get Cairo."

"... Okay. As long as I get the Pyramids of Giza..." Sarai bargained.

"Hmm...ok...BUT I GET TO BE PRINCESS OF EGYPT!!!"

"Umm... sure... why not..." Sarai pulled out a legal document out of nowhere and a quill and signed her name. "This is the contract saying who gets what and binds us to it..."

Sarai gave it to Asuka. "Please sign here... and here... " Ends up pointing to five places.

Asuka squints as she reads fine print...

"Don't worry, Asuka-chan..." Sarai's eyes darted... "I wouldn't cheat you..."

"WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO PULL?!"

"NOTHING, I SWEAR!!!" Sarai put her hands in front of her and waved them around.

"LIAR..." Hissed Asuka…As she signed the contract.

Sarai whistles gleefully and quickly rolled up the contract and stuffed it down her shirt. This is so NO ONE would dare go after it...

"OKAY! Now to get dumbasses to do our deeds for us while we sit back and laugh... any idea's Asuka-chan?"

"Well...How about Naruto Uzumaki?"

"But he's a puddle..."

"No problem! I'm not called a fanfiction writer for nothing!" Asuka cracked her knuckles.

"True…"

Asuka produced a laptop from thin air.

"Oooo..." Sarai was amazed by the lap top like the tech geek she is... "Pretty..."

Asuka opens Microsoft Word and types: Naruto Uzumaki lay on Haruno Sakura's floor, being a puddle. Suddenly, he finds that he is miraculously back to normal! And he proceeds to walk downstairs and pledge his undying devotion and allegiance to Sarai and Asuka. Then, Asuka closes the program.

Sure enough, the dumb blonde made his way down the stairs and started shouting, "I'M YOUR HUMBLE SERVANT!!! PLEASE HEED MY UNDYING ALLEGIENCE TO YOU!!!"

"Man, Asuka-chan, you're good..." Sarai mumbled as Naruto began to kiss her feet. "HEY THOSE ARE NEW!!! DON'T DROOL ON THEM, DOOFUS!!!"

"Sooo…Who else?" Asked Asuka.

Sarai puts a finger to her chin. "Hinata, maybe? She'll definitely tag along if we have Naruto-baka..."

"Yep. TO THE HYUUGA COMPUND!!!" The same music that plays when Batman says "TO THE BATCAVE!!!" played.

XXX At The Hyuuga Compound XXX

Sarai crossed her arms and pouted. "This place isn't as big as I'd thought it'd be..." She soon notices a spray-painted heart on the front gate that reads "Neji+Tenten. "... or as tough..."

Asuka sighed. "That's not the Hyuuga compound...THAT is." She points to the huge compound next door.

"OH." She looks from one compound to the other. "Then who's compound is this..." Two voices are heard. Apparently, it was a married couple, bickering in Chinese.

"That's Tenten's place."

XXX End of Chapter 3 XXX

A/N: Hey, everyone, be patient, the Beauty Pageant will be here soon…. 


End file.
